The Hollywood Adaptation of Death Note
by Niabi
Summary: Hollywood's looking for its next big thing, and this time its hungry eyes land on Death Note. This won't be pretty. – "L, huh? What is this? He sounds like some weird candy-obsessed social recluse! That's never going to work! Aagh, I'm going to have to redo this entire character from scratch!"
1. First Arc

A/N: Okay, so I know Netflix is actually currently working on their own movie version of Death Note, but I couldn't resist writing my own idea of how Hollywood might butcher it. At least Netflix's version can't possibly be as bad as this, right? ...Right? D:

Oh, and in case anyone wants to read other fics like this, I've actually written two more in other fandoms.

* * *

 **The Hollywood Adaptation of Death Note**

 **First Arc**

In a highrise office, a man sitting at his desk began going over some papers. At the top of the cover page were the words _Death Note Movie Script_.

"Now let's see why this thing's so popular," he murmured to himself.

After only a few seconds of reading, he chuckled. _Yeah, right, Japan. We're_ totally _going to keep the setting there._

He quickly scratched out the word and wrote _'New York? LA?'_ right above it.

 _Hm, the hero's name is Light? Well, at least it's English, I'll give 'em that. Weird for a name though, I dunno if we'll keep it. Last name's definitely changing, that's for sure._

 _Popular high school student, best grades, all around golden boy… yeah, sounds good for the hero._

 _So he finds this Death Note thing, reads its rules… "The human whose name is written in this note shall die," then a bunch of others, blah blah. Yeah, whatever, the first one seems to cover it pretty clearly, I don't think we need to worry about all these others. Just unnecessary details for the audience to keep track of._

He absently circled the first rule and made an X through the rest.

 _So the hero tries out the notebook, it works, he's shocked, surprise surprise._

The man's brow furrowed as he continued reading.

 _Wait, hang on, then the hero_ keeps using it? What? _What was Rick thinking, we can't have the hero be a mass murderer! That makes him the bad guy!_

He ran a hand angrily through his hair.

 _Okay, fine._ Obviously _we need to say this— what is this thing? A death god?_ A _death god? So there's more than one? Yeah, we're just gonna call it a demon, much simpler. And what's its name, anyway? R-yuck? How are you supposed to pronounce that?_

 _Whatever, so this demon is the one_ manipulating _the hero into killing all these people because it's using its demonic powers to influence his mind, telling him he's making the world a better place. Yeah, that's better._

He furiously scribbled several notes on the page before returning to reading.

 _Blah blah, people are dying, everyone starts noticing, they start calling him Kira? Why? That makes no sense. I'll have to come up with something more appropriate later._

 _So this world famous detective shows up and says he's gonna catch the mysterious killer. Goes by L, huh? That's actually pretty cool, using just a letter as his alias. And he's got this assistant, too. What's that name? Wa- Wa- Watery? Sheesh, these Japanese…_

 _Doesn't matter, I can change it later. So he's an old guy, huh? Eeeh, I dunno if I like that. I think it'd work better if he were more in his prime, works as the detective's body-double/personal guard. Maybe the detective got him off some murder charge and now he follows him around to show his gratitude._

The man paused to take a drink from his coffee, then jotted down a few notes before focusing on the script again.

 _Anyway, the detective starts working with the task force the hero's dad is in charge of, hero's getting info on the investigation from it and staying ahead of them._

 _Blah blah, time passes, the detective finally meets the task force members in person, and— wait,_ what? _What is this description? He sounds like some weird candy-obsessed social recluse! That's never going to work! He's supposed to be one of the stars! Aagh, I'm going to have to redo this entire character from scratch!_

He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms, considering his possibilities.

 _Let's see, he's a world famous brilliant detective… we've already got a young genius lead, we should balance that out with age and experience. Draw on some of the classic detectives for inspiration._

He quickly leaned forward again and scribbled _'_ _middle-aged, classic trenchcoat/fedora look,_ _NO CANDY_ _'_ by the character's name.

 _That's better. Now, what's next?_

 _Hmm, plot progresses, the hero joins the task force too and the detective immediately suspects him of being the killer thanks to some kind of deductive reasoning. Doesn't have any proof though, so he can't do anything, and the hero keeps killing thanks to the evil demon whispering in his ear all the time._

 _Then some new chick shows up, named… Misa? No, we'll change that to Mitzy, fits a cutesy blonde better anyway._

He jotted down a quick note by her name.

 _And hey, look at that, she's got a demon of her own! Guess there are more than one. So she's obsessed with the hero because…_

The man frowned as he continued reading.

 _Eeeh, you know what? This sounds kind of kinky, I think we'll just make her his classmate and girlfriend instead._

He crossed out several lines of text and added a short note.

 _So the plot thickens, things happen, yada yada._

He took another drink of his coffee as he kept reading. After a few minutes he neared the end of the script, his brow steadily furrowing as he did. When he finished, he just stared at the pages in front of him for a moment.

 _Yeah, that's it, we're gonna have to change that entire third act. Way too complicated for audiences, and we can't kill off one of the good guys! I mean, come on, Rick oughta know better!_

 _Instead we can do something like the hero's girlfriend finds out what's really going on and contacts the detective out of concern for her boyfriend. The detective comes up with a plan to lure the hero to some abandoned place and try to talk sense into him._

 _The girlfriend's there too, and it looks like her words are having an affect on the hero, but then his demon shows up and is furious with the hero for betraying him, so in a dramatic moment writes the hero's name down in his own notebook!_

 _Only the hero can't really die, I'll have to work on that._

 _Anyway, the hero collapses apparently dead, the girlfriend and detective are horrified and shocked, and the demon starts to write their names down, too. Only… hmm._

The man paused, considering, then suddenly brightened.

 _No wait, I've got it! Then the girlfriend's demon appears, makes some speech about caring about her wellbeing and not allowing harm to come to her, and writes the other demon's name down, causing it to dissolve into a writhing ball of smoke! It's brilliant, no one'll see the twist coming! Then, uh, I guess the girlfriend's demon uses its demonic powers to bring the hero back to life. Yeah, sure._

 _So the hero is freed from the evil demon's grasp and he and his girlfriend share a sappy embrace while the detective welcomes him back with a gruff pat on the back or something. Happy ending all around!_

The man leaned back in his chair and stretched his arms over his head as he let out a satisfied sigh.

"I swear, these Japanese come up with an idea that has so much potential, then manage to botch the execution! It's a wonder this thing ever got popular in the first place," he muttered.

He leaned over to the phone on his desk and pressed a button. "Christina, could you contact Rick for me? We need to go over some things."

—

 _(A few days later…)_

"Rick, buddy, why didn't you mention this Death Eraser thing before? It's brilliant! Works so much better than random demon powers bringing the hero back to life! I mean, come on, an eraser fits perfectly with the whole notebook theme! Write it into the script, would ya?"


	2. Second Arc

A/N: This part was kinda tricky to write, simply because I've never actually been drunk before and therefore have no idea how a drunk person's mind works. Hopefully I managed to make it at least somewhat believable, though.

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 **Second Arc**

"Here's the package from Mr. Harris, sir," the secretary said as she entered the office.

Her boss was standing in front of his liquor cabinet refilling his glass. "Great, just set it on the table," he instructed her, motioning vaguely in the direction of a leather sofa and coffee table.

She complied, eyeing the drink and bottle in his hands as she left.

He made his way over to the sofa with the half-empty bottle in tow, then settled himself before opening the yellow envelope and pulling out a stack of papers.

' _Bout time. For a writer, Rick sure complains about doing his job. It's just a rough draft of the sequel, how hard is that? He's the one who mentioned this thing's got a second arc in the first place._

He took a sip of his drink before focusing on the papers in hand. After a few minutes of reading, then flipping through pages and skimming, he finally stopped and stared at the script in silence for a moment.

"Welp, all of that's getting tossed out the window," he announced to the empty room as he leaned back in the sofa and crossed his legs. "Way too complicated for audiences."

 _So I'd better come up with some ideas for this thing if we want a workable sequel._

The man took another sip of his drink and this time didn't bother to set the glass back down.

 _So what can we salvage? Four years after the end of the first movie and the hero's just graduated from college and joined the police force under his dad, who's gotten some promotion. Captain or something, whatever it was._

 _Then pretty quick it's announced on TV that those impossible murders are happening again, and everyone's shocked. Hero's dad puts him in charge of catching this guy, so the hero calls up the famous detective and asks him to join and help. Detective tells him he's retired now, but sends his two protégés in his place._

 _Hang on, what were those guys' names?_

The man quickly shuffled through the papers until he found what he was looking for.

 _Near and Mello? Eeeh, I_ guess _those are English, but I think we'd better just stick with N and M._

 _Heh, sounds like the candy. M &Ms._

 _Anyway, this N kid's clearly an albino, and— wait, he plays with_ toys? _That's so lame, we're ditching that. And this M… yeesh, he's messed up in the head, isn't he? I don't even know what to do with this character. So— hang on,_ he _eats candy too? What is with these people and their sugar fetish! Bleh! Definitely cutting that part too!_

 _Ugh, so anyway, I guess these two team up with the hero and start hunting down the new killer._

 _Except this is all sounding kind of boring so far, I need some kinda twist to make it interesting. What can we do with this new killer character, anyway? What's he about?_

He skimmed the papers while taking another drink.

 _Wow, this guy's a certified nutjob. How's he get his notebook, anyway?_

He sat pondering the dilemma for a moment, sipping from his drink as he did so. Suddenly he sat up.

 _Wait, we can bring back the hero's demon from the first movie! Just have some random weak demon that used to kiss up to the hero's demon use one of those erasers to bring him back! Then the hero's former demon goes back to earth and finds someone more suitable for his extra notebook, and that's how this weirdo ends up with one! Perfect!_

 _Oh, oh, and since this demon's still mad at the hero, he tells the new killer who the old one was! This new guy thinks the hero abandoned his righteous path or whatever, so he kills off the hero's girlfriend to make him suffer! It's super tragic for him, but it's the catalyst that solidifies the hero's resolve to catch this guy!_

 _So, uh, after that, um… hm, what else happened in this script?_

The man skimmed some of the papers, pursing his lips in concentration.

 _Right, this news reporter chick. The nutso new killer starts contacting her to broadcast his messages to the masses or whatever. Giving them his rules to live by._

 _The good guys see the broadcasts and figure the reporter chick might know something, so the hero goes undercover to seduce her and get information from her. His girlfriend's already dead, so it isn't a problem._

The man brought his glass to his lips before noticing it was empty.

 _Figures._

He poured himself another one, then took a long swallow before bringing his arm back down to rest on his leg.

 _Where was I? Uhh, news chick, right. So I guess after that it's more tense detectiving from the good guys… but that doesn't sound exciting. We need something else to spice things up._

His brow furrowed as he pondered, absenting sipping his drink again.

 _We've kinda got too many good guys versus bad guys anyway, what if this M kid is playing the others? Maybe he wants the notebook for himself because… because ultimate power, whatever. Doesn't really matter. And he's secretly working with the mafia to get his hands on the notebook before the others. Maybe he's even sabotaging their investigation! Yeah, this is good!_

 _So the hero and albino are working to find the new killer, and they think the psycho's helping them, but secretly he's making sure they don't find the guy before he does!_

 _Finally the good guys get some kind of break and figure out who the new killer is, so they head over to catch him. Only the psycho got the info a little sooner thanks to his mob guys and gets there before them. He, I dunno, shoots the killer or something and gets the notebook! The others arrive just in time to see him… see him… Oh!_

The man suddenly sat up in his seat with a grin spreading across his face and an unnatural gleam in his eyes. He didn't even notice he'd sloshed his drink slightly.

 _He becomes a demon! The psycho was really a demon all along, stuck in human form! I'm a genius! He needed to get his hands on a notebook to transform back into his true self! This is brilliant! He's the real big bad all along! The good guys are helpless against his power!_

Suddenly his manner changed and he slumped down with a frown.

 _Wait, so how do they stop him? I can't repeat the ending from the first movie, that'd be bad. So… so someone has to sacrifice themself to kill him, I guess. Maybe that news chick was the one who told the hero where the new killer is and tagged along to stop him, but when the psycho gets his powers she sacrifices herself by writing his name down in another notebook that came from, uh, somewhere. Minor wrinkle, not important. But the point is if a human writes a demon's name down the human dies too. And it's all tragic for the hero again 'cause he's developed feelings for her. Cradles her body in his arms and all that._

 _But do I really want her to make the heroic sacrifice? Who else could die?_

The man fumbled through the papers, taking a drink as he searched.

 _Oh, what about this Matt guy? Finally someone with a real English name. Maybe he's been hanging around the psycho the whole time trying to pull him back from the brink, but when he becomes a demon again the kid's got no choice but to sacrifice himself to stop his friend's madness. It could be all bittersweet and stuff. The good guys would be impressed by his sacrifice and comment on how brave and noble he was._

 _So the good guys win and bad guys all die, the hero stays strong even after his love interest's death —if she dies, whatever— and the albino… hm, wait, not much character development there, how can I fix that?_

The man took a big swallow from his drink.

 _Got it. One of the task force members is a chick, and he's been after her since the beginning, but she was never interested 'cause he's freakishly pale and stuff. Then at the end she sees how heroic and brilliant he is so she changes her mind and he gets the girl. Bam, perfect, done._

 _Oh wait, no, and I guess the original demon leaves since the guy he gave the notebook to is dead now. Yeah, that covers everything._

He finished the rest of his glass in a single gulp and unceremoniously banged it on the table. Staggering to his feet, he made it to the phone at his desk and pressed a button.

"Chrisy, Chris —oh." He blinked a moment and pressed a different button, then started again, voice slightly slurred. "Chrisy, get Rick. He needs to fix this."

His secretary's voice came on the line and answered in an impressively cool tone, "Yes, sir. Of course, sir."

"Good," he mumbled, then turned around and teetered back over to the table to retrieve his glass and the bottle.


End file.
